This is an completely unique telling of the founding of Rome, sarcastic comments included. Take a seat.

The Founding of RomeEdit

There are multiple legends, myths or tales to how Rome was actually founded. Since it seems the coolest version, the following words are the best.

Romulus and Remus were given birth to by the not-so-virgin priestess Rhea Silvia. their father was, theoretically, the god Mars who forcibly created children with Rhea. (What a jerk!) Two twin boys, Romulus and Remus, were introduced to the world.

However, their uncle was a power hungry tyrant. He'd deposed of the grandfather and taken over as king years before and was ruling happily as a power-hungry-jerk could. When he heard the two twins has been born he totally panicked. Oh my gods! He thought, tearing out his hair with worry. If they loved they would take his place as King, and that wouldn't do. They just had to go.

The Baby-Killing uncle sent a servant to get rid of the newborns and the servant decided to drown them in the Tiber River. Maybe he wasn't good with chopping people's heads off with swords or perhaps he felt bad about killing innocent infants. Either way he dropped them in the Tiber and went on his merry way.

Plot twist: the twins survived. I bet you didn't see that coming. Lupa, the great goddess of wolves who also happened to be a wolf herself found them- some say because the Tiber god was having a sympathetic day in which every Monday he rescued a couple drowning babies and the river god made sure she saw them choking and crying in his waters. Anyhow, Lupa raised them as her own, suckled them and treated them like little man cubs. (See what I did there? The Junge Book reference.) Lupa's motto was always: Conquer or Die, so the boys had to grow up strong and fierce.

After a couple years of being feral cave men, some swim herders found them and took them back to their home. They became the ultimate leaders of sheep herders. Pretty awesome right?

So Remus was always itching for a fight I hear. Aparentally the uncle sent some people to make trouble between the grandpa- who was still alive- and his goat herders. Remus was like "Heck no!" And started a brawl. And he totally took them all out with the might of Mars and the blessing of Lupa. Hahaha. Ha. Ha... Actually he got captured and thrown in jail. When word got to the tyrant king about the two boys that were the same age as when Rhea's kids had been born he panicked again. That guy probably got an ulcer.

However, Romulus being the hero we all love and adore saved his brother, somehow, and then they overthrew their uncle and handed the crown back to their grandfather.

The two boys didn't want to rule that kingdom though so they caught the first train out. (No there weren't actual trains in Rome or Ancient Greece, it's a figure of speech, keep up.)

Remus claimed he would found the best city. Romulus spat at his feet in contempt. Remus found so good soil and was like: "Dude bro! I just saw 6 birds fly over my head. It's an omen, my city will be the bomb dot com!"

Romulus was having none of this. "The only bomb that you'll have is the bomb I send to level your city!" Is probably what he said back, except they didn't know what a bomb was. Probably. He actually said something along the lines of: "I saw 12 I win. Later loser!" And dashed off to found Rome.

Remus stood there dumbfounded and angry before charging at his brother. Hey, they were raised by wolves. They fought, threw rocks and called each other "horse crap" and "rotten fish breath". The works. In the end Romulus killed Remus and went away to found Rome. That's why Rome is called ROME because of ROMulus.


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